If you are like me then you love the peace and quiet of your personal life and wouldn’t want anyone disturbing the balance. Some folks see the intrusion of their partner into certain aspects of their private life as an invasion; they hate the unnecessary drama. Some see this intrusion into their privacy as life threatening, a trigger or reminder of something they have both experienced and endured, whose scar they still see, and whose pain they still suffer. What can we do when we are in this situation; when it’s like you have fallen in love with your perfect partner but experience the pain from sharing self and personal space with someone you just met?
You know you are madly in love with prince charming. Secretly you suffer the pain of his trespassing into certain areas you never want to let anyone into. You are scared of his wanting to know details about why you belch at the time you do, or take some medications at the time you do, or withdraw for some brainstorming at the time you do, or wouldn’t let him have sex with you, even though he’s asked you out over three years ago.
If this is you suffering emotional pain in your relationship, probably because your man has been complaining about your drawing multiple lines or hindering him from getting into your closet, then please continue reading this article. I’ll show you how to avoid letting your private life ruin your relationship.
The Story of Sharon
Sharon was the only child of her mother, a divorcee from a man who afterwards didn’t care about the well being of his child. She stayed with her step father while her mother worked long hours in the day and returned home to the distressed and emotionally abused Sharon. Sharon was an introvert, but secretly needed someone to love and open up to; that was why she confided in her step dad and had him sexually abuse her. Many times it would happen in the absence of her mum and in the darkness of the night, when her mum was asleep. This made her miserable, made her hate the male figure and build multiple walls. These made her super-secretive and refuse to trust anyone.
Then she met Jason.
Jason who fell in love with Sharon cared for her, regardless of the attitude. He didn’t let her go. She loved him too, but wouldn’t let him into her life. She for a long time lived alone in her little comfort zone with everyone locked out. Now that she was in love with Jason, a rough, well built, funny, super-extroverted and outgoing guy, her life didn’t remain the same. He always visited and would always share his opinion about stuffs, always scattered the house when he came around, always wanted to be intimate with her, and not knowing he was setting off some triggers, didn’t see any reason why he should stop. He saw her gentle unconscious resistance, felt she wasn’t comfortable with the tease and caressing, but he also knew she was his girlfriend, and saw the obvious signs that it was him she loved. He felt both confused and encouraged to continue. He felt it was his right as the man in her life. Having come from a jovial and playful background, he didn’t see any reason why he wouldn’t proceed to make love or show love. But she was not comfortable with this, even though she loved him. Though she didn’t want to lose him, she didn’t know how to let him know he was making her uncomfortable. She broke up.
She still loved him and still didn’t want to let him go, however, it was like he was getting too close, too personal, too touchy, and even though she needed the touch of a man, she just couldn’t stand that it was happening. It was as though everything he did to her, everything that should make a relationship work disgusted her; she in return revolted against it.
If your relationship is in some crisis as a result of your privacy concerns or some situations you encountered when you were young, here are some things you can do to heal your relationship and avoid an impending breakup.
How not to let your private life ruin your relationship
1. Define what your secrets are:
The truth about love and relationship is that there are certain things that can’t be accepted. If you have secrets that you guard jealously, as long as you are in a relationship, you must be certain that the secrets are not ones that can ruin your relationship, your love life, and the life of your partner. For instance, you can’t be sleeping with another man and expect that the one you have professed love for will be fine with it. You can’t have a child outside, for another man and expect that he’d be excited to hear it from an outsider or at a very later date. If you must sustain your relationship you must be certain of what secrets make up your private life. It is understandable that you might not want to have sex in the love relationship, or that you are not comfortable with him frolicking or touching certain parts of your body, but when it comes to keeping deep secrets, be certain of what the secrets are, and be certain that they won’t ruin your relationship when the details are known.
2. Communicate:
Communication is key. If you have a private life and you don’t want your relationship to be ruined by it, you must communicate first of all with your man, making him understand your concerns and fears. Just like Sharon was constantly molested by her step father; if your boyfriend is touchy and it triggers the past, you should sit him down and communicate with him about your past and how his actions ruin your love experience, instead of pushing him off and making him assume he has done something wrong. Communicate with him. Let him know what your concerns are, let him know you love him and that instead of him ending the relationship, he should rather help you grow deeper in love with him.
3. Draw the lines:
Falling in love is one thing, falling in love with the right person is another. Love is perfect when your partner understands you and your makeup, including things he isn’t comfortable with. Thus, you must first of all understand him, his likes and dislikes, his behaviors and disposition. Before you can conclude on letting your secrets and private life not affect your relationship, you must first of all understand the man you intend to spend the rest of your life with. You can fall in love with a stripper and still not touch her. You can be the stripper and still not love to be touched. Why? It’s possible you strip for a living at the club but hate it for real in real life. Its possible you are in love with someone who is addicted to been touchy, but just like Sharon, hate been touched, based on what you’ve suffered in your past. You must draw the lines and let him know why you have these restrictions. As you grow deeper in love with him, let him see your heart and understand your evolution from who you are to who he wants you to be. It’s one thing to have them lines and it’s another thing to not have him know what they are. Draw the line and let him know.
4. Be open:
I noted in a former issue that having secrets fuels jealousy in a relationship, and if not properly handled can ruin the love life of any person. True. If you have a private life that you want kept from your love life, or if you feel that you don’t want your love life ruined by your private life, you must be open. Just like you must communicate, you must let him know that there are certain places he can’t get to, at least for now. If it’s your body, tell him. Let him realize that you have this issue with guys touching you, that you don’t sleep around or that you don’t share certain things with folks. Make him realize that you love him but that there are things he can’t enjoy from this relationship with you. Let him see your phones, let him have access to your chat apps and phone logs. Be sure you are not hiding things that will make him suspect that your private life is camouflage for your continuing in promiscuity.
5. Be realistic:
When you draw your lines or you have fears or concerns in your private corner, you must be first of all realistic about them and what they are. You must not have concerns that are in itself life threatening. When we talk about private life, we are referring to things you are used to, things that would either be hard for you to give up or things or aspects of your life that you’d want to open up to your partner at a later date. However you must be realistic about them. For instance you can’t have the HIV virus, have unprotected sex with your partner and still expect that he’ll stay in love with you, especially when the treatments for preventing the infection from reaching him are still at a very early stage of development. Be realistic about what you expect him to take.
6. Put yourself in his shoes:
Love relationship is simply based on the rules of doing to others what you want others to do to you. If you are in a relationship and you make your partner endure certain things; be certain that you can also endure those things if they were meted to you in like manner. Be realistic about your private life. Put yourself in his shoes; if you can’t survive it, be almost certain that he also can’t survive it. That is the beauty of a relationship, your understanding that the storm you are putting him through might kill you if it swirled your way.
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